Childhood Crime & Conscience

Growing up I always liked myself best when I was doing something bad.  This is in spite of the terror I felt of being found out and punished.  I was almost never bad, which I now see stunted my personal growth in many ways.  I was a parentified child to the max, making lunch and […]

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Maternal Sexual Abuse

Maternal Sexual Abuse: mothers sexually abusing their children – is that really a thing? Alas, yes it is. How do I know? From research. And from the fact that it happened to me. My mother abused my brother and my sister and me in every way that it’s possible to abuse a child. Including sexual […]

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Memories Before Words

Is there memory before words? I have memories stored in my body.  My shoulders are my pet rocks.  Even though they are scrawny and unremarkable, they never relax, and in fact spend much of their time right below my ears.  I tend to always have a stomach ache.  To stop the endless questions concerning why […]

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A Family Snapshot

In the picture on my kitchen wall my father is standing with his two older brothers, in age order.  Therefore he is the bottom step.  They are all wearing double-breasted winter coats and holding hats in their hands, except my father is dressed in a little boy’s coat, holding a little boy’s hat, and smiling […]

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A Very, Very Bad Day

The Very, Very Bad Day It was surprisingly warm for the Saturday morning before Thanksgiving, and my husband was doing something in the yard. My two teenaged daughters were in their rooms, primping and chatting. My 11 y/o daughter and my 7 y/o son were wrestling on the family room rug.  I was in the […]

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About My Sister

The light in the church steeple switched itself off a midnight, so I generally hung around at least until then. When the small stone structure was built, Mozart was still alive, although my sister would have taken little comfort in this. “Mozart? His first name was what? Who played in his band?” But she died […]

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Getting in Trouble, Part II

When I grew up, I discovered I had a lot to learn if I were to have any success with getting in trouble, which I now saw in terms of advocacy.  I first had to struggle with the internal/personal aspects. Did all those years as the new kid in so many schools hardwire me to […]

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Getting in Trouble, Part I

I was an extremely compliant child.  Children of psychopaths don’t really have a choice. I hardly ever got in trouble, either at home or at school.  I was submissive, studious, and not only cleaned my room but the whole damn house. I was a parentified child to the max, making lunch for my mother and […]

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Trusting Your Instincts

In our digital world, you don’t need to consult an expert or even read a book to get parenting advice.  It’s everywhere online, especially Mom’s groups on social media. It takes thoughtful consideration, but also courage to trust one’s instincts concerning our children. We had three little girls, and then the last one was a […]

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Looking Back on a Bad Day

Having been raised by a psychopath (more about that later), I had no internalized model of decent parenting. Except how not to do things. As clarification, a narcissist lacks empathy and a psychopath lacks both empathy and a conscience. A narcissist can hurt others in a frantic attempt to fill the emptiness inside. A psychopath […]

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